Drunk Sex

Drunk Sex

Q: I am 36 years old and I have been with my husband for six years. Why do I only want to have sex after drinking? Is there something wrong with me?

He: It’s probably one of two reasons, but the solution is likely the same:

Reason # 1. You may just be bored. Sex, like anything else can get very routine if you let it, and drinking tends to make things more fun. For instance, to me, going to a baseball game is a pretty fun time. You have a few beers, build camaraderie with the other fans and get into the flow of the game. Take away those few beers and suddenly I’m not having very much fun. Does that make me an alcoholic? Probably not. Does that make baseball a little boring on its own? Probably yes. But the bigger issue is that I have established the connection between alcohol and baseball that is now a requirement for it to be an interesting pastime. You have done the same with sex.

Reason # 2. You may be a little insecure. You likely only have sex after drinking for the same reason I only want to dance after drinking- because like dancing, the act of sex, in itself, is kind of ridiculous, and drinking helps it feel a little less ridiculous.

Think about it- sex puts you in a very vulnerable position: you’re naked, exposing intimate parts of your body to another person, grunting, panting, moaning, telling your partner that you want him to dress up as a rodeo clown for some role-play fantasy that you have been harboring since your 10th birthday, when the party clown your parents hired gave you a “bad touch” while making you a balloon animal.  All much easier to do with a few cocktails under your belt.

Like everything in life, you don’t want to rely too much on alcohol to get you through, so try to make a concerted effort to engage in sexual activity while sober as well. Even a one-to-one ratio of drunk sex vs. sober sex is a good start. The sober sex may not initially be as fun, passionate or comfortable (and that rodeo clown costume may have to stay in your closet), but at least you will keep your baseline intact.

She: I will never forget when a good friend of mine, upon being diagnosed with a medical condition that would prohibit her from being able to drink alcohol, stated, “My biggest fear is that I’m never going to want to have sex again!” Andy described perfectly the lowering of inhibitions brought on by alcohol, and the many ways that it helps to make sex more fun…more comfortable.

It would be ideal if we could forever hold on to the amazing honeymoon period when all you want to do is eat each other alive. Unfortunately, this fades with time, and truthfully, who could maintain that level of obsession and get anything done? If you are still interested in that person after this period has faded, you are left with a deeper love and friendship; but with that comes the need to put a little more effort into making the relationship exciting (or even interesting). You have to work harder on communication, love, and intimacy- these things don’t just come naturally anymore.  And, yes, I’m sorry, this may include scheduling sex (my clients know this referred to as ‘Sexy Sunday’).

I strongly suggest, however, that you do not use drinking alcohol as the ONLY time you have sex. As Andy pointed out, a one-to-one ratio seems healthy (I also want to add that I am referring more to having a couple glasses of wine to loosen up; whereas Andy’s rodeo clown fetish scenario seems like it might require a bit more than a glass of Chardonnay to fully implement).

Bottom line is, sex should be fun and bonding… if a drink or two helps you on this adventure… I say, cheers!

Dr. Jen Semmes and Andy Wilson have been (mostly) happily married for nine years (currently happily).  They are the owners of Coastal Counseling therapy center in Carlsbad, California.  Jen holds a license in clinical social work and a doctorate in psychology, and is a therapist at Coastal Counseling. Andy just tries to hold it together.

If you, or anyone you know, has a question for ‘He said, She said’ please send a private message to Coastal Counseling on Facebook or email the question to info@coastalcounselinggroup.com.


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